“When a father gives to his son, both laugh; when a son gives to his father, both cry.” – William Shakespeare
Contents:
1.) Introduction
2.) Father Hunger
3.) Pain of The Lost Boy
4.) The Lost Boy, A Feminist Bastard
5.) How The Lost Boy Copes
6.) How A Lost Boy Quits
7.) Advice For A Lost Boy
8.) In Closing
9.) Relevant Reading
1.) Introduction:
It is unbecoming of a man to identify as a victim, thus I never encourage men to see themselves in this way. However, a boy raised by a single mother or family with a submissive father has been deprived his birthright. These are the lost boys, the unwitting victims of poor parenting. I label them victims only in the sense they have been done a great disservice, that is not to say this cannot be overcome, but that merely a most deleterious handicap has been conferred on them.
A boy raised by a beta is not taught social dominance, or how to protect himself physically or mentally. He’s not shown how to attract women, and chances are he will lack basic yet necessary life skills such as self-discipline. Like the boy of the single mother, he is forced to employ the internet as a surrogate for the father he never had. The need for young men, as well as lost boys who have grown into adult men to be “good at being a man” is dire. To any man masculinity is important, but due to paternal deprivation this need is even greater among lost boys. It is as such that in a time where there is little in the way of support for boys and men, the manosphere has manifest.
Boys need a strong paternal figure in their life, someone to teach them of, and guide them in the ways of men. More importantly, they need someone to shield them from the estrogenic tirades of a struggling mother. A young boy is not fit to adequately handle nor sufficiently cope with an adult woman’s emotions, yet in the absence of a strong father this burden as “man of the house” is imposed on a young boy to his developmental detriment. A woman’s emotions don’t care if her boy is only 7 years old, if she’s got to emote, she’s going to.
So what happens when, through no fault of his own, said 7-year-old grows into a young 20-year-old who never had the strong paternal figure he needed to become the best version of himself? When due to such poor upbringing, he is clueless in the ways of men, inadequate with women, undisciplined, depression prone and mentally unbalanced? He goes onto his computer, he tells his problems to his therapist, Google, and if the “I’m feeling lucky button” works right, he ends up here.
2.) Father Hunger:
The lost boy is damaged, driven to spiritual dysfunction by excess exposure to estrogen. For a lost boy estrogenic influences are abundant to the point of toxicity, with testosteronic influence but a scant repository oasis-like in its scarcity.
Whether a boy came from a single mother or a weak father, the root and core of his problems as a man are one and the same. In his formative years, he lacked a dominant albeit benevolent masculine role model to guide him. A boy needs a patriarch to teach him the ways of men, and so a woman will not do, for the condition of her existence knows not the male experience.
A woman interacts with men as a woman, a man’s behaviour in relation to her is thereby measured in its response to the presence of femininity, how men behave with her is not how they behave with one another. A woman only sees what a man portrays. She does not understand the why or the how, thus she is ignorant to a man’s inner-workings. Women only ever see the end product, not what it took to create.
As such, a woman may in her hubris think she understands men, but what she can never know is how to be a man among men. Because she knows not this, nor what it is like to be a man and deal with a woman, her guidance in raising a boy is merely necessary, not sufficient. Boys intuit this and men know this, but because single mothers have been catapulted atop a cultural hero pedestal, nobody dares address the elephant in the room.
Likewise a low-tier man will not do, for he is an inferior version of man, and therefore like a high school physics student holding a symposium on molecular quantum mechanics, ill-equipped to teach much of anything. Some of the boys birthed by single mothers are rescued, an alpha grandfather or uncle raises them as their own, but this is spiritual surgery to what is otherwise an avoidable problem.
The bond between father and son is sacrosanct, for boys take mental nourishment on how to be from their fathers, not their mothers. What single mothers provide their boys is a female model for how to be, and naturally this leads to feminine and broken men, not stable, competent and masculine men.
In spite of what a woman’s narcissism may screech – “his father was a jerk, my boy is better off without him!”, the reality is that boys want fathers and fathers want sons; it is the gynocentric cultural and legal framework which emancipates them. It is the rights of women to the detriment of men which emancipates them. It is a mother’s legal entitlement to her children, where a father has no reciprocal entitlement which emancipates them.
3.) Pain of The Lost Boy:
The lost boys have no voice and they dare not speak, for they do not expect anyone to care for their tale of struggle. Speaking, for the little that its worth anyway, would thus be quite pointless. “You are a boy, boys must be strong!” is what the bigots parrot in retort to a male’s exclamation of struggle.
The concept of sympathy and an extension of aid to boys and men suffering adversity is all but absent. Their hardships are often met by sociopathic nonchalance at best, and contemptuous disgust at worst. The lost boys understand indifference quite intimately, whilst comprehending little in matters of love, for they have never really been loved properly. At least not in a way that does not serve to only weaken them further, be that the maternal love of a coddling mother or the heartbreak of puppy love.
Whether it’s clear to them or not, what they need is the strong unwavering hand of paternal love. Paternal love is the love that keeps on giving, it is the richest love, and yet the spiritual medicine the lost boy needs is the very thing he can never hope to have.
It’s the delinquency caused by an absence of such love which cements a type of loneliness into the boy it afflicts. Something is fundamentally missing, these boys are broken, they can’t seem to make their lives work, they struggle to find themselves, they know they have a problem, but they don’t know what to do about it and nobody seems to give a fuck. This is the plight of the lost boy.
4.) The Lost Boy, A Feminist Bastard:
The ever-increasing isolation of today’s young men is a social affliction endemic in developed countries. The isolation, feminisation, neglect and underachievement of such men is a pronounced trend. A trend which only came to prominence since feminism murderously toppled the nuclear family, leaving nothing but broken homes in its wake.
When the nuclear family was the norm, and women were neither quite so naive nor financially incentivised to raise a child alone, the likelihood a boy had a fruitful bond with his father was greater. Simply put, bastards were uncommon as was divorce. As a direct consequence of feminism, boys and men alike are all the worse for it. Before feminism came to dictate the social narrative, having children out-of-wedlock was considered neither acceptable nor desirable. Now it is commonplace.
Nobody talks about how boys are failing, nobody at all. However, despite the sordid indifference and neglect of society’s inclination to address such a fundamental social ill, it’s not as fringe and uncommon as perhaps some of society’s more privileged would like to imagine, “imagine” being the operative word here.
Why is society so apathetic to the plight of the lost boys? Well to aid these boys would be to politically undermine the hegemony of feminist thought, and thus it is not part of either the political or cultural imperative to address this modern plague. Instead, we sweep it under the rug and pretend it isn’t there.
Chances for a lost boy to socialise outside of the home will have been at school, and in the workplace. Typically such institutions yielded little to no social reward for them, that is to say, because the lost boys were not high value individuals taught proper social skills, nobody ever really wanted to know them. Who cares about poor guys who aren’t good-looking, naturally charming, wealthy or connected? Nobody, and yet, this aptly describes the majority of men born into poverty with nobody to provide them what they need to reach their potential.
If even a fraction of today’s boys and men were lucky enough to find the red pill, they would be immediately awash with regret, yet simultaneously relieved. Finally, they’re awake. With their path to recovery and masculine self-development laid bare, where once there was only pain and nihilism, there is now a glimmer of hope. The red pill is not a cure in so much as it is an effective treatment. Nothing can replace the hole left by an absent (or inadequate) father, but the advice and guidance of a good father can be replaced – that’s what the red pill does.
5.) How The Lost Boy Copes:
How does a lost boy attempt to break away from the shackles of his personal hell? Most do not find the red pill community. Some become bold with a “I’ve got nothing to lose motherfucker” kind of mindset, dialling up their dark triad characteristics. They may sell drugs or get involved in gangs. They do anything that gives them money, respect, status and sex, casting all sense of conventional morality out the window. People who have nothing break the law to get something, not necessarily because they enjoy breaking the law. Frustration breeds criminality as much does poverty, so when both are present you have a real recipe for disaster.
What about the lost boys who are too timid to take the dark triad route? What about lost boys from a slightly better economic background? They end up incubating their sadness with technology, namely porn and video games. This anaesthetises them, it allows them to forget their lowly, drab existence and provides a false sense of achievement. In reality, they’re not going anywhere, but at least in this cocoon, they’re not falling anywhere either.
It is not of course without its drawbacks, a lack of everyday social interaction creates an irrational fear of socialising. If you don’t spend a lot of time around people, you foster an irrational fear of them. Lost boys have become so socialised by emotional neglect that voluntary solitude has become their modus operandi. Quite the dichotomy it is, to fear loneliness whilst simultaneously fearing social interaction, this but a mere glimpse of the personal hell a lost boy endures.
Escapism is a form of self-preservation for people who don’t know how to or simply aren’t brave enough to engage in self-improvement. When you have nothing, when you have nobody, stepping into the gym and lifting some weights around a bunch of strangers is a big deal. It takes courage for a lost boy to do what is otherwise seen as a mundane activity for regular people. A lost boy’s anxiety can become quite debilitating, it will actively stop him from pursuing self-improvement because beholden to fear, he is paralysed. The cycle must be broken for progress to take hold, but lost boys are oft slaves to fear because rejection and failure is all they’ve ever known.
6.) How A Lost Boy Quits:
The standards for masculinity are high, whilst the infrastructure to cultivate it is all but non-existent for many. No wonder then so many incubate themselves from a dreary existence with porn, games and internet. When you feel like society doesn’t want you, why would you want to participate in it?
If you’re isolated and the struggle is getting you down, one may as well make the confines of their psychological prison as comfortable as possible. It’s not that I advocate this lifestyle in any way, quite the contrary, but simply that I understand why it is as common as it is, to be succinct: its psychic anaesthesia.
Relative to loneliness is preselection. A lack of preselection can form the basis for a lost boy’s social ostracisation. Most people are close-minded and judgemental, they won’t even try to look beyond superficialities to see if there’s anything likeable about you, so if you’re not a high-flyer, a great deal of people are not even interested in sharing oxygen with you.
“Everyone wants to be with a winner, if that’s not you and you’re a collective heap of problems stemming from the promiscuity of your mothers ovary, then fuck you because nobody gives a shit about you.”
7.) Advice For A Lost Boy:
Take up as many hobbies as you can afford to, fill your timetable with them. Fixate on becoming better, you’re not going to settle for mediocrity and idle escapism anymore. Your commitment to yourself is to invest what your parents never did. You want better, so you’re going to strive for it.
One of the first things you should do is join a gym, exercise is great for staving off depression and increasing personal confidence. I know if you’re feeling particularly low that this may seem quite scary, but it is necessary. Exercise is one of the basic building blocks necessary to fuel all other forms of self-enhancement, as is reading.
More important is developing skills from extracurricular activities. Debating clubs, dance, martial arts, languages, instruments, the list is endless. That which allows you to socialise, whilst gaining a skill is something inherently worth pursuing. Working on skills builds your value, building your value should be a huge part of what your life will become. If you don’t know what you like, experiment until you know.
Take one step at a time, do not fret over the slowness of your self-improvement. Frustration will only serve to undo your progress, inspiring unwelcome regression. For someone in a position such as yours, it is a wonder you are even improving at all. It’s a wonder you survived long enough to find this blog and even seriously think about your situation. It doesn’t matter how slowly you build, only that you do. Rome wasn’t built in a day, you won’t be either.
More information pertaining to making this kind of lifestyle change can be found here.
8.) In Closing:
The ideological weaponisation of wombs by feminism has disrupted the patriarchal line. The systematic segregation of father from son brought about by changes to the legal and welfare systems have deprived two successive generations of men their masculinity, and will continue to do so for as long as this ideology is granted any judicial or academic legitimacy.
As such, we now have the perverse circumstance in which a man is present to raise his boy, yet would himself be considered unfit in the ways of men by his contemporaries. Likewise we have women ‘raising’ boys, equally ignorant to the ways of men, yet heralded as champions of bravery for what is often no more than promiscuity absent contraception. This promiscuity and taxpayer dependency is then retroactively repackaged as independence, and young boys grow up not only fatherless, but penniless.
However, the most perverse injustice is where men uneducated in the ways of men are charged with raising boys. These men replicate their masculine illiteracy by imparting their psychic castration onto an impressionable and unsuspecting son. This is perhaps one of the greatest tragedies of all. Not only did this man miss out on a fulfilling manhood, but without malice of intent, through his own hand his boy will too.
9.) Relevant Reading:
Buy “No More Mr Nice Guy” in the USA
Buy “No More Mr Nice Guy” in the UK
Buy “No More Mr Nice Guy” in Canada
Buy “The War Against Boys: How Misguided Feminism Is Harming Our Young Men” in the USA
Buy “The War Against Boys: How Misguided Feminism Is Harming Our Young Men” in the UK
Buy “The War Against Boys: How Misguided Feminism Is Harming Our Young Men” in Canada
Buy “The Way of Men” in the USA
Buy “The Way of Men” in the UK
Buy “The Way of Men” in Canada
Thank you for this article, it really fucking hit me. I grew up with a pushover of a father who never taught me a thing about girls. He was BP as hell, told me that love would come to those who wait, never taught me discipline, never taught me sports, confused being “supportive” with letting me do whatever the hell I wanted. Still cries a lot. Makes fun of masculinity, probably because he was nowhere near it.
Naturally I grew up being scared of girls, without a sense of purpose and like you put it, isolated. I’ve been since trying to fix all of that, and have made some progress, but being that useless and submissive for that long takes a toll on you.
he was probably born after 1970 or so
before the 1980’s they had many masculine models on TV or so
also, this metrosexual thing is for the birds…..
some say.. it started with women wearing SLACKS and no dresses unless they were booty length
it seemed to be around the early 90’s when that happened, or else, 1/3 or young women would be wearing skirts/dresses
IllimitableMan,
Thanks for putting all of that into words. The void created in these times from a society that marginalizes males and the masculine ethic goes deeper than trying to bed a woman. There is a real sense that today’s young men, myself included lack positive male role models. But I am glad to have found kindred spirits in trp and likeminded sites dedicated to helping me adapt and improve. Keep up the good fight!
Let me start by saying this.I have always made good grades, and i have a far above average IQ, I am a 24yr old 6’1″ 195lb Marine who’s trained for combat, I’ve gotten in at least a dozen bar fights, i get girls regularly, and i’m told I’m very attractive. I will be working on an MBA in the coming months and I’m ambitious. This article made me have a emotional breakdown. It all made sense, why my friends believe i walk around with a “chip” on my shoulder, why i can’t trust women and i let them know this, why i constantly seek something beautiful in my life, and why i fall in love with women’s beauty…i’m looking for unconditional love…I can’t say that I’ve ever had it .Why i’ve never felt loved, is easy, it was always conditional….This is why i am perpetually angry and disappointed; because i’ve never been loved. This thought hit me deep and almost instantly while reading this article. My father was cast out of my life at an early age, and i had no guidance. My mother was “taking on the world”….every emotional swing she concocted got thrown at me indirectly, there was no one there to shield me from her emotional torture…I was the creation of all of her problems…when i was young i would get horrible migraines, i would even be unable to eat the dinner she cooked sometimes….emotional and physical abuse usually followed. I could go on and on about the feelings i repressed, but it would only follow the same general path. I constantly feel at a disadvantage with people in my own age group or other men in general, i had to learn a lot of life’s lessons by myself, and while dealing with a psychotic mother. While i was in college and finally away from her, i established a group of friends in the military….i realized that i had grown emotionally attached to these guys like a family, i was protective, dependent, and overbearing. I realized this wasn’t normal, and noticed that something was wrong with me. They were the closest thing to a family i had ever felt…and my emotions were taking hold…they didn’t feel the same way.
My first heartbreak was incredibly painful….and i realized that you can never trust anyone, comepletely. Currently, I’m stationed in the pacific for two/three years I’m not attracted to asian girls, i have no plausible chance of having a beautiful girl in my life (none here), and i work ridiculous hours with a ton of responsibility. I work out, eat healthy, and am active during the weekends, but it seems that i am missing something important in my life.
Dude good story. I wish you the best in life. The word would be outcome Indeppendent… Look up Ekhart Tolle and check out tyler RSD on youtube (All things he talks about handling your own shit, nonneediness and things about positive eco systems)…
(5 yrs later dont care)
Fucking hear ya man. I feel a lot like you with the falling in love aspects, only I’m not in the military and seem to have introverted the lack of love as being my fault instead of acting it out aggressively (i.e. aggression directed toward myself instead of others, as anger was not an “allowed” emotion when I grew up). Been recovering slowly and undirectedly for years now though and have finally even started to feel I’m getting a grip of life. How are things progressing for you? Guessing we would be roughly the same age as I’m 29 now.
I hear you on that man. Much of what you’ve shared here, I experienced as well. This is my third or fourth time reading this blog because it resonates so much with me. I’m in my mid-thirties and struggle with many things in my life (namely) finances. My father is a pussy and my mother fucked around on him more times that I can count and he’s still with her. Knowing that I carry his name brings me great shame and makes me sick to my core. Almost all of the men in my family are weak and being around them is embarrassing. But I no longer want to bitch and moan, I no longer want to blame I just want to fix my problems and live a full life.
I’d like to mention that even when a boy has a good single mother, one who coddles him and spoils him, does everything for him, this creates a problem too. I’ve grown up in such an environment where my mother did everything for me from cooking all my meals, packing all my lunches, and even buying all of my clothes. My father was gone by the time I was 5, he was a piece of shit and I was better off for it, but my only masculine mentors were blood-relative uncles who I saw on some weekends. One good thing my mother did is send me off by myself on trips around the world to stay with our various family (clans if you may) so I learned independence in traveling and living with others. But still, she made all the arrangements, called the family ahead, and all I had to do was show up with my bags that she would often pack for me. But I had little friends. My mother paid for my MMORPG games and computer and I when I was home I would seldom ever leave my games. I found porn around 10 years old and it joined my gaming habits and I thought it was the best combination in the world. Needless to say I had few friends and social interactions. Growing up as Jehovah’s Witness didn’t help, as we weren’t supposed to make friends outside of the religion because they were a “bad influence.”
Through high-school I had little success with women. Actually who am I kidding, I had zero success. I was dressing in clothes my mom bought me and I pedastalized women to the point that it repulsed them. I was fit (six-pack abs, big biceps) and attractive, but I had zero social proof and wore ugly clothes. I didn’t realize it at the time. Girls would be somewhat interested in me, but then as soon as we’d start talking they’d realize I had zero social skills. Luckily I did manage to make some male friends because I had a very good sense of humor and could make guys laugh, but I was still awkward as hell around women. It wasn’t until I was 19 years old and moved out that I had to learn how to care for myself. I told my religion to fuck off and got my an apartment with a male-friend I had made in high school. I started dating a girl that was 3 years older than me who was a little bit heavy. She was a psychologist major nearly done with her degree and out of my league academically, but she wasn’t pretty enough to land a guy as handsome as I was that actually had his shit together. She changed my life. Every-time I’d try to seal the deal (I was a virgin) she would shut me down. She was blunt and straight forward with me. She said “Look, I like you. You are smart, you are hot, and you are sweet to me. But, you dress sloppily, you don’t brush your teeth enough, you don’t even try to smell good, and you have no idea what you are doing.” She went on telling me everything she didn’t like about me. That hit me like a sack of bricks. I looked in the mirror at myself and had a realization that I knew nothing, but instead of getting depressed I wanted to learn.
In a weeks time I replaced my wardrobe. Practiced flirting with girls at stores where I would buy my clothes. I went down to Express and would ask a girl to “dress me” in a way that she thought looked good. We’d have fun and banter and if I knew what I was doing I probably could have easily turned many of these shop girls into plates, but I still had no idea. Anyhow, I started taking care of myself hygienically and wore clothes that fit me properly, cleaned up my shoes so they looked white again, and bought a good deodorant/cologne. I banged that girl a week later and then moved onto 3 more. Still no idea what I was doing, so i was just cruising on good looks and a smile.
Unfortunately, 6 years later I still have a video/game porn addiction that is killing me financially. Not because I’m spending money on either. Hell with Steam and sites like xvideos there is no reason to pay a lot for either. The problem is I’m making $20,000 a year and I have nothing to show for myself. I can now lay women on the regular thanks to experience and PUA, but what I want is real success. I know I need to give up video games and porn, but it isn’t easy. I feel withdrawal when I try to stop either one. But I believe that if I can get rid of those two things from my life I will have the free time needed to learn some skills and bring my income up above the $100k /year mark. It’s hard. I read the post on reddit about the chemicals in the brain that make these habits addicting and I understand it. I just can’t bring myself to quit. I’ve tried again and again over the past 4 years but I keep coming back to it. In the meantime my social life has suffered and I have no male friends and I don’t even know where to start to get some (quality ones that will improve my life, not other gamers).
Thanks for this post. I know there are a lot of “feels” here. But men have feelings and it’s very nice to get them out and talk to other men facing the same issues.
Thanks for sharing your story, TheRealOG.
“I have no male friends and I don’t even know where to start to get some.”
I find myself in a very similar position. The male friends that I do have are holding me back from what I know I can become; however, I am too afraid to completely leave them. I am the crab in the bucket, trying to escape, but getting pulled back in by the surrounding crabs.
My advice is this: do what you must for self-improvement, whether it be lifting, school, starting a business, reading, etc. Now, when you desire to find males with a similar view on life, you can look for them exactly where you already are! In other words, you do not have to “know where to start.” You simply have to work on yourself; once you do this, you will be surrounded by guys similar to yourself. I really have to work on this, myself.
Here’s an example. Let’s say I want to meet some guys that like to play racquetball. None of my current friends like that sport. So, I could neglect to play racquetball while I “search” for other guys that like to play, OR I could head over to the gym, practice by myself, join in on a game, or simply talk to the other guys that are there playing racquetball. This will find me friends much more quickly than the internet will, and will find me friends who play racquetball much more quickly than meeting random people on the streets will.
If you want friends who like what you like and think like you think, you must search for them in the environment where you would expect to find them. When looking for a lifting partner, you don’t go to a bar. You go to a gym, or a fitness-forum.
This may be a slight rant, but I think it is necessary for me to see these words on my screen as well.
Resolving the issue of gaming and porn addiction is fairly straight forward and need not be that difficult though it takes a little time. The key is to learn how to independently create the neurochemistry that you refer to above that comes as a result of those activities (ie have the brain produce it automatically without using drugs or an external source like a game or porn). Once the brain has other ways to produce it you don’t need the game/porn anymore. It simply falls away and you forget you even had the addiction in the first place unless someone makes mention of it.
No cold turkey. In the case of these addictions which do some physiological damage but nothing like hard drugs going cold turkey is just as damaging if not more.
In my case I used to play way too much Everquest (similar to World Of Warcraft). Great games, especially the latter. It got to the point where I would play every night and sometimes until 6 or 8 AM. My income was around 35k per year. After about 6 months or so once I worked out how to create the neurochemistry that the game was providing I found that I could go days without playing. By a year I was not even thinking about the game and my income had gone up to 55k per year. By the end of the second year it had gone up to about 85k and the year after it almost hit 100k. This was in 2002. After that I would play a few hours here and there but not like before.
It’s not rocket science. More sleep time = wake up earlier + feel better = more time working and producing = more income. As I was doing and feeling better I was able to take on more responsibility and voila – more hours working x a higher hourly rate. Very straight forward – when you do it the right way.
Know also that it might look like the addiction is the game or the porn. But in fact they are tools for your brain to create what it’s craving because there’s a lack or an imbalance at a deeper level. So the cause is deeper down and once you resolve that you don’t need the activity anymore.
This article described my life almost completely…
I am certainly one of the lost boys, although I’m in my 40s now. It’s only in the last couple of years I’ve managed to discover how I’ve been labouring under misconceptions about life all these years, and it pains me to think about all the lost time and opportunities. Whilst I’ve been making some progress trying to be more social (I’m doing things now I simply wouldn’t have attempted a decade ago), I fear it’s too little too late. The damage is done and, as society would have it, I only have myself to blame for not doing more for myself as a lad, even though I was being good and kind and following the rules.
I just hope that boys and young men can get the information I have now and save themselves years of frustration and heartache.
@ oldguy42 I’m in my 40s and learning Red Pill and game in my age is like learning to boxing by going in the ring to fight pro boxers. No coaches, no role models to follow. I read , I know “what should I do”… but have very little knowledge “How to do it”.
For years I have felt alone isolated and afraid of the world at large and worse felt I was the only one like this thank you so much for putting this into words for me. Reading this really hit me hard. Much harder then I expected. But now i feel better and feel like i finally have an out. Thank You.
Great read. Myself I’m in my early forties now. Was brought up by a single mother who did her best but unfortunately had some significant mental health issues. My dad whom I had limited contact with, could best be described as a narcissist. He remarried had tons more kids and moved interstate. Couple that with the over feminization of schooling etc in the 80’s/90’s didn’t bode well for much clear direction when younger.
The main issue I consider myself having by potentially being ‘lost’ was an almost fog like lack of clarity with regard to what it means to be a man. All the Politically Correct bullshit you encounter totalled with the feminist narrative we are bombarded with (I live in Australia) meant you transitioned into adulthood feeling something major is missing without having a clue as to what it is. An extremely empty and anxious feeling. This fog of uncertainty, I believe, often in young ‘lost’ men manifests itself in forms of aggression and nihilism. Myself I would involve myself in and perpetrate all sorts of things that could have easily:
ended my life
ended
someone elses
caused many
people/family etc pain
etc
This lack of an accurate narrative on how life really is and should be (as opposed to the populist, weak, feminized misrepresentation) means young men (myself at the time) are more predisposed to turn to drugs/alcohol and other counterproductive mechanisms to cope.
I was fortunate enough to always be involved in sports and hobbies which ensured I didn’t deviate too far to the point of no return. MOST of my friends with the same dynamics were not so lucky!
I always had plates to spin and was never too starved for company, my issues mainly came to a head early on in my marriage. I previously was in a relationship with another girl which didn’t go well. She was an entitled cunt and I supplicated. After 5 years my balls grew back and I left her (nice clean break with no complications)…she’s still unhappy and my life is going fantastic) Im now married to a quality woman (10 years / 2 young kids – boys / fantastic home life / fantastic sex life), though it was my lack or RedPillesque knowledge which nearly ensured replication of my previous relationship. To an extent AWALT (although there is a spectrum of massively varying degrees!)….thankfully I found the manoshpere (most notably NMMNG, RP)…The digestion and internalization of this information transformed the rough patch in our marriage (about mid-way through)…all the emotional reliance I had on varying addictions almost overnight was resolved, I became a better man/father and husband….and more importantly this unexplainable fog was lifted….after 30 fuckin years no less….
For myself I basically took all the bits which resonated (which was a fair proportion of it) and applied it to my life and relationships.
What the halfwit feminists and others of that ilk don’t realise is that at their core for the most part men are (or can be) strong, powerful, reliable and loyal but by perpetuating the bullshit and mixed messages that they do, that they themselves also stand to lose. They have to also live in a society with:
Decreasing tax bases because men are opting out or even being
excluded
counter productive
increasingly more violent and unstable
etc
I believe it is our responsibility to perpetuate and refine these/our truths.
I think in terms of all the hardships, struggles and battles my ancestors had to face for millennia just to get me here, playing my part is the least I could do. To all the feminists, the weak-soft cock ill-informed men that align themselves with them and to all others that perpetuate the mixed messages and outright lies about the true nature of men and women – FUCK YOU….your opinion doesn’t matter to me and it wont matter to my sons!
i am also in my forties and have had the “fog of uncertainty” coupled with the “extremely empty and anxious feeling” for all of my memorable life. i found manosphere, RP, and NMMNG 3-4 years ago and have been integrating since then; however, the fog is not lifting and the anxiety is not abating (ebbs and flows). please say more about how you escaped the Fog and Emptiness.
I can completely relate to this article, im new to red pill theory, but have been reading up intensly. could someone elaborate on the sentence “The standards for masculinity are set so high by the feminine imperative”. IM really keen to know exactly what these standards are, in order to be aware of them, i understand that this relates to beta male behaviour.
If someone could answer my question I’d be grateful
Thanks!!
“could someone elaborate on the sentence “The standards for masculinity are set so high by the feminine imperative”
When hypergamy is allowed to go unchecked and flourish, it means most of the women will only be happy with the very best men available and deem the vast majority of men as undesirable/unfuckable/undatable. We call it the 80/20 rule, 80% of the women have sex with 20% of the men at any one time. The remaining 20% of women who are not on the cock carousel (basically not going out and getting strange or otherwise uncommitted) are either single/voluntarily celibate or are in relationships with men who fall outside the top 20% for whatever reason that may be (perhaps she is so ugly/dim/old/socially incompetent that she cannot even get a one night stand with a man in the top 20%)
So when women call all the shots because hypergamy goes unchecked, and unfettered materialism and superficiality runs amok, only the very best of the men (the previously mentioned top 20%) can get regular and easy sex with women. What does this mean in terms of standards? Very high physical standards (he needs to go to the gym and be shredded!), very high social standards (he needs to have lots of friends or to be in cool social circles!), very high material standards (he needs to wear nice clothes/have a decent car etc)
Now you can counterbalance the need for looks, money and status by having a dominant personality, boundary setting, being confident, respecting yourself/passing shit tests, but that only goes so far, and of course, with looks/money/status doing those things becomes immeasurably easier than when one does not have those things going for them.
Its a trap. No matter what you do it will never be enough. Men better than the best lie in ruins because they tried to appease their womans’ every whim. The standard for masculinity cannot be attained as it is the equivalent of finding a unicorn. It is as follows You’ve become the little boy every mother dreams of…a little girl. Exhibit A: Brad Pitt was not good enough for champagne socialist uber feminist Angelina Jolie. despite tapping that, even he said fuck this, she’s not worth what i have to put up with.
Even though still being able to pull heaps of trim being Brad Pitt he looked dishevelled and ruined after his divorce. Remember those words… for the jezebel western woman, “whatever you do, will never be enough”…
Whether or not this also fits into the scheme of things, I am wary of accepting any explanation which lays fault to mechanisms outside of my control for the things or lack of things I have been privileged or lucky to have or to have earned.
I have a few contradictory beliefs, most notably that there is a chemistry to the brain but a strong will can overcome alleged chemical imbalances, and that nurture (as in, nature vs. nurture) is extremely significant, but we as people still maintain some kind of personal identity.
The nurture bit is where this hits me the most. I would consider it a weakness for me to simply say, “Blah blah my life sucks because I didn’t have a dad (ever, quite literally; he was never a part of my life),” because then I accept no fault of my own. It’s the ultimate cop-out. It’s just too easy, and I gain nothing from blaming things I have no power to change.
The mention about weakness, though, makes me think that you already knew that. You knew that sounding weak would be, through the conditioning of a fatherless lifestyle, the anti-goal and a barrier to people actually replying to this post. So I’m not entirely sure that not having a father hasn’t made me a lesser man: a weak, insecure person that finds personal, no-risk leisure in the comfort of one’s own home to be the ideal scheduled experience barring outside intervention, or not.
Relating to things, in my experience, is as foolish as thinking that the words written on the paper inside a fortune cookie are actual fortunes and not just words written on the paper inside a fortune cookie (for entertainment and perhaps as a bit of a selling point for places that provide them).
What I will say is that I was intrigued by this post, as a young man that has never known a father, and that many of the things stated in the post are perhaps quite applicable to myself.
” I would consider it a weakness for me to simply say, “Blah blah my life sucks because I didn’t have a dad (ever, quite literally; he was never a part of my life),” because then I accept no fault of my own. It’s the ultimate cop-out. It’s just too easy, and I gain nothing from blaming things I have no power to change.”
It’s not so much about applying blame and self-victimising, that is not what TRP is about, it is about understanding WHY and HOW, if you understand your circumstances have caused the problems you have, you can take responsibility for yourself with the knowledge that you are not faulty, merely, unlucky, but despite that, with enough will, as you have rightfully said, are capable of changing yourself.
I find that the vast majority of men who message/e-mail me believe it is THEY who are inherently broken and that it is simply an innate “almost genetic” flaw within themselves that they have the lack of success that they do, they are defeated and resign themselves to a sense of hopelessness based on a collection of failures. They doubt their own potential to be successful to the very core. Even if they blame others rightfully or wrongfully, they attribute most of the blame to themselves because they don’t believe in themselves. That somehow even though “mother didn’t do the best of jobs” that they are somehow defective, and they blame themselves just as much for their failures, only factoring in the lack of a father, or the lack of a strong masculine father (if one’s father was simply passive and walked all over by their mother.) If you realise “it’s not entirely your fault, only partially” it gives you hope and motivation to take the shitty cards you’ve been dealt and make something out of yourself rather than give into self-defeatism.
“What I will say is that I was intrigued by this post, as a young man that has never known a father, and that many of the things stated in the post are perhaps quite applicable to myself.”
Well that is no coincidence, single mothers cannot provide masculine energy perspective or guidance to a son, they teach passivity and avoidance rather than dominance and confrontation, funnily enough, boys need that to become men in the truest sense of the word. To “learn” masculinity is to have the tools to flourish both socially and sexually, a woman simply doesn’t understand the methodologies needed to be a successful man.
having said that—-its good for boys to be named after the same family—- for connection
from Jr. to VI etc.–I could tell if the kid had a single mom or single grandmom by the goofy name he was given
the father son connection is VITAL.. and women tend to respect men who have been raised in a two parent home, raised my dad AND mom… SINCE dad teaches son how to treat women…
Lost Boy here.. I stumbled across your website/blog after discovering the TRP subreddit. Over there, I saw one of your links being referenced to the dark triad information and when I clicked on your homepage from there and saw an article titled, “SINGLE MOTHERS AND BITCH FATHERS: THE SUFFERING OF “THE LOST BOYS.” I knew instantly that what was contained inside would be relevant to me and my upbringing.
My Dad left our family at an early age. My Mom worked very hard as a single mother raising three children. I never had that male fatherly figure growing up to influence me and thus, all the analysis detailed in your essay was very accurate pertaining to me. It has always been a sad reality that I noticed in myself and some of the males around me with the same circumstances growing up but I never was able to put it into such a descriptive and educated way as read by in your post. It’s kinda funny actually, I always called myself and people in my situation Lost Boys, even before I came across your post.
I want to thank you for your write-up. You seem like a very aware and brilliant individual and since reading this piece, I find the other material you write about to be very credible and will look to your articles in the future for more advice in the areas I seek it. Again, I appreciate it and feel sad for others like me who have it much worse than I do. I am a lost boy but I feel for the other boys more lost than me. I do not have as many problems other than the, “mental anesthesia,” issue that you wrote about, but I can really feel for the hermitism part described by you as,
“The lost boys have become so socialised by neglect that hermitism has become their modus operandi, they tend to suffer from acute social anxiety, which is just one of many ills that the degeneracy of their upbringing plagues them with. Quite the dichotomy it is, to fear loneliness whilst simultaneously fearing social interaction, this but a mere glimpse of the personal hell a feminised lost boy must endure.”
To fear loneliness while simultaneously fearing social interaction is something that is truly heart breaking and I’ve read a lot of sad stories on the internet of random acts of violence and situations where you see glimpses of this due to mental instability that happens in a lot of these cases where guys are shut-ins and thus develop mental problems due to lack of social interaction.
The part where it says, “take as many hobbies as you can that allow you to socialize and have some fun whilst gaining a skill that adds to your value,” is really good advice. Also the “friends are like money” analogy is a really good one too. Lastly, the ultimate piece of information that I think of most helpful is the part where it says society doesn’t give a FUCK about you, that’s why you’re called a LOST boy. Pull up your boot-straps and change your life, because no one is going to help your ass out and only YOU can change it for yourself. The same would apply to all blue-pill takers and lost boys alike, but I would say this as words of encouragement, to not feel bad for yourself or the situation you’re in, but to instead, get off your ass and DO something about it. Be a person that other people are LUCKY to be in the presence of. Improve yourself daily and don’t stop believing in yourself and NEVER fall into a state of mental stagnancy. Challenge yourself daily and you will live a rich, fulfilled life, full of accomplishment. And even though Lost Boy sounds cool as hell, you can’t stay lost forever.
I found your monk mode article and continued reading from there. There is a lot of deep and thought provoking stuff here, and this lost boys thing is top of the mark so far.
I’m not even going to take the time to write out my long and complicated family history, but I will say I am a lost boy who has come pretty damn far, and I am slowly getting myself improved. This article made me feel like I’m not remotely the only one, and that felt nice. Thanks.
I’ve lived on both sides of this fence. No matter your age, go for what you want in this life, don’t worry about anyone else’s opinion. I don’t think its really that hard to re-correct your life of feminization, pussification. You don’t need to read a thousand red pill articles (sure, you can). You just have to listen to your deeper self which you can feel in your body. Follow that. I’ve followed that and its led me to gardens previously unimaginable. When I turned away from it, blocked it off, tried to listen to others, it turned into the descriptions above.
Inner game with yourself is the most important of all. Soon you will be dead, don’t lose any more time.
I’m also a neo-reactionary, and a Lost boy. I’m a hermetic type with an underlying dark-triad Mr. Hyde, hiding below the surface. NSFW: http://giant.gfycat.com/SecondaryRareKilldeer.gif, is an apt desciption of how I felt about the world and interacting with humans from 12-18. Everyday, I have to wake up and force my inner bitch, down into my toes, before I can go about my day.
I leave here with my worst story from my adolescence. It was a half-day at highschool, and I had missed my bus home, since I usually stayed after school for cross country practice. I had my trombone with me. I walk halfway home, after learning my brother (older, adopted from Asia) would not be going home for 4 hours, so he could bootleg candy-bars, about a 3 mile trip. Walking with a trombone is a good character building exercise. I tell my adopted brother, I’m going to the library, instead of staying at school with him, and my parents car. I fell asleep in the library, because of sleep chronic issues. I wake up at 8:30, and It’s dark out. I walk three miles home in the dark with a trombone. When I come in the door, the first thing I hear, is how badly my parents are going to punish me for not calling them, and telling them where I was. (the same parents that shun technology in the hands of kids, and don’t trust me to have communication machines) They took away my computer, the vehicle of my escapism. They didn’t blame, or punish my brother at all, who had knowledge of my whereabouts. I got figuratively beat like a drum, for the crime of not sleeping enough, and not being able to contact my parents, even though I had played by the rules.
I wanted to murder my parents. I still do, kind of. They are working to repair the relationshit, but they might not be able to before I blow my brains out and force them to bury their only child.
OMGGGG you ANSWERED what my question was for a LONG TIME NOW
BOYS 14-35 on video games and porn.. and its a never ending nightmare!!
boys who are on two crazy streams of masculinity and not being whole!! {wimp & thug}
they are so IMBALANCED and women SHOULD CARE. especially if they have DAUGHTERS and want GRANDCHILDREN.. she wouldn’t want her daughter to become hardened and unable to nurture and train her grandchild
she needs to find an adequate husband who could train him to manhood–it doesn’t mean only sports, but in FIXING THINGS like using tools, making birdhouses, changing the oil in the car etc
…and oh yes
EVERYTIME I SEE BOY-MEN wearing pink, lilac etc, having long dreads/hair, wearing earrings in which a homosexual started in the mid 80s some are wearing nail polish and growing long nails–and no, they aren’t homosexual
i CRINGE!!
It’s shocking how applicable your definition of “Lost Boy” is to my life story. My mother divorced my father when I was two and he was rarely in my life, one month here, one month there. I saw him occasionally on weekends for a while but the impact he had in my life was seemingly negligible. Fast forward to the age of 9, moved to another state and was effectively separated from my father and began spending long periods of time with my mom. Eventually I became unable to develop a relationship with my father, constantly viewing him as an evil person through the (and this is my well-placed speculation) manipulation of my mom. I would only have one good friend in my life at a single time, spending the majority of my time playing video games by myself. During middle school was the clear omega of a group, and eventually drifted away to find solace in another group of friend where, again, I was only really friends with one person. My life was simply go home, play video games/watch TV, go to school. The first time I went to college I started out socializing for a while, but receded back into my “modus operandi” of hermitism. In fact, I was rushing a fraternity and had spent the day with this one girl on my floor the first day of college; at the end of the night after I left early from dancing at another frat, she came back to my room knocked on the door and said “Can I sleep in your bed tonight?”. I ended up cuddling with her and not doing anything when she crawled into MY bed after knocking on MY door (and yes we were both drunk). Anyways, I was way out of touch with my sexuality and still am. Moving to different places I’ll start off with a facade of possessing social tendencies, only to recede once more to hermitism within a month. It’s a terribly difficult mindset to break away from, but I’m filling my time with lifting, making beats, and writing books for the meantime. I’m fully convinced that I don’t need to socialize to be happy as of right now. Marijuana use also helps occasionally to break out of my head and break free from insecurities and anxieties that seem to constantly plague my thoughts non-stop. Thanks for your insight; while we both know crying is unattractive to women, I certainly shed tears in solitude reading your post.
Thank you for writing about this important subject. I had a mentally ill mother with Huntington’s disease, a Vietnam Vet father with PTSD, and a physically and emotionally abusive step mother who, as an added bonus, was very clever and knew how to play my weak father like harp. A family dysfunction hat-trick.
Looking back at my own childhood, I had what were really modest developmental delays, very shy and often daydreaming, but over time these snowballed into massive deficits. The problem with being a boy who is a bit “off” isn’t the problem itself but the reaction from others that it solicits, being preyed on by peers and family. This leads to a bunker mentality, slave morality, pseudo-intellectualism, and mental anesthesia. As has played out innumerable times in K12 education systems everywhere, the nerds will huddle together for support (good) and try to convince each other how cool it is to be a dork (bad). As a form of substitute masculinity, many will adopt “edgy” eccentric tastes in music, art, hobbies (see goth, juggalos, emo, etc).
No one really tried to explain the world to me in a way that was both useful and comprehensible to a child. A family member would perhaps point me in the direction of faith. Faith is well and good but children can’t really make much sense of it beyond viewing it as ideals about the way the world should work and doesn’t prepare you for dealing with the world as it actually is. Therapists are not particularly useful either. For the most part a therapist will ask you about things that happened to you and, this part is key, will frequently pose the question “how does that make you feel?” Mostly this teaches you to talk about your emotions which is great but just as with faith doesn’t provide any useful instructions for dealing with the problems of boyhood.
Although I can relate to some of the things said in this post, it has a very generalizing nature to it. The absence of an active father figure is something that most ‘lost boys’ clearly identify with, however, many lost boys I know, myself included, do not fit many of the descriptions and points made. That may have more to do with intelligence and social/economic status and upbringing, but I’d venture to say there are many men who have found their own way, somehow.
Not to get too detailed, but I myself am in my early twenties finishing up at a university and have always maintained high grades, earned a scholarship, and have many skills, talents, and ambitions. I do not have a large group of friends, but that’s more because I am picky in who I associate with closely. Many of the social activities I do participate in serve some sort of use to further my career and goals in life. I would not consider myself a ‘lost boy’ nor broken. Yes, I never had a father, but that does not define me or my future. I have had to discover my own sense of self and masculinity, which I believe, is less pigeonholed and more nuanced while maintaining all the general qualities of masculinity.
I do agree that single mothers and boys, especially those in lower socio-economic situations, are a growing problem. However, it is not a death sentence, and I would venture to argue that by looking for problems that may not exist, you relinquish a part of your confidence and masculinity.
Perhaps the only part I feel puts boys raised by single mothers at a disadvantage is your interactions and relationships with women. It is extremely difficult to learn how to engage in relationships with women when your single mother either has sporadic relationships, or none at all, as you mentioned. In a way, you begin to see her as a ‘victim,’ and for a time, I bought into the subliminal feminist dogma and believed that to engage in a romantic relationship with a woman would be “disrespectful” unless she essentially jumped your bones outright. Ironically, years later, we would see the adoption of the new consent laws in California that take the notion to a whole new level.
What I have found most useful reading the posts on this website is not necessarily how to define my masculinity – I don’t believe it is as cut and dry as some sites, like TRP reddit, make it out to be – but re-learning how to interact with women. Many young men have learned how to interact with women as you have described on this site, essentially as women. I suppose it’s best summed up by the “nice guys finish last” saying. It’s somewhat of a bitter pill to swallow – and a difficult line to walk – to learn how to be stern, logical, and mindful of boundaries while cultivating a romantic relationship.
In a previous post of yours, you explained how women do not want men to be emotional – they want them to be a rock so that they can let their emotions known. In typical woman fashion, however, one of the most frequent complaints from women, especially those you are in a relationship with, is that you are too cold or distant – not emotional enough. But, if you dare to be emotional like them, then they react poorly with little empathy and you, for lack of a better term, don’t turn them on. I made this mistake when I suffered an injury and it took me several months to recover. My then girlfriend, who up until that point I had maintained a somewhat, mysterious, kind, but reasonably private attitude, was always trying to get me to “open up.” So, when I did, she reacted poorly and did not want to hear it. I have seen it with my own friends, and even with my own mother. The reality seems to be is that women THINK they want that level of emotional vulnerability from men, but clearly do not. Being raised by a single mother and being who I am, I have always been a sensitive person. However, through hardship and through life experience – by becoming a man – I learned to hide that part of myself in the majority of my interactions and it worked well. The few times I have cracked under pressure, women – especially those I was romantically involved with – have reacted in the exact opposite way they claimed they would react: negatively.
So, to the OP, I would ask this: how does a man who grew up without a father figure who is young, say in their early twenties, learn how to form romantic relationships with women in a way that is not extreme in either direction and does not allow the woman to control them both emotionally and otherwise? How can you teach someone something that would have been gradually learned over many years through countless different experiences? I don’t believe going into “monk mode” will solve that. As you said, nurture is competing with nature. As easy as it is to say that these “Lost Boys” need saving – I honestly do not think the majority of them do. There will be lost individuals in any sort of upbringing or situation.
What your post fails to identify, however, is the positive ways that lost boys differ from their traditionally raised counterparts. Those who grew up without a father, or raised by one parent, often have gone through hardships early on in life. Many have had to become self aware and to “pick themselves up by their bootstraps” as you mentioned at a young age. Yes, there are those who retreated and hid. But there are also those who fought and continue to fight. They did not allow themselves to become weak because there was no father to provide, or to act as a buffer between their mothers. In some ways, I believe, lost boys – no, lost men – are stronger than those who grew up with a strong, masculine father and two parents. Many of these lost boys have become successful artists, musicians, CEOs, bankers, novelists, and the like and learned from the mistakes of their mothers, their absent fathers, and their own and picked themselves up, dusted off their clothes, and kept on going. They have a greater insight than those who see the world in black or white. Not all of them are damaged. They may be lacking in some areas, but they are much stronger in others.
That being said, I think as men, the quest for self-improvement is never truly over. We live in challenging times and a lot can be learned from each other and the lost boys can most definitely learn from the men who grew up traditionally. But, do not feel bad for us. And hey, you might even learn a thing or two from us if you pay close enough attention.
What one man can do, another man can do
Discovering TRP in the beginning has grotesquely confirmed that I have no right to blame anyone for my petty bullshit baggage, even though I know growing up with a beta father and being neglected by the woman who gave birth to me cus “she wasn’t ready to become a mother” had a lot to do with me being a lost boy. I was an accident. My father fucked one night and BAM, an unexpected prego bitch with me inside. I’m an only child, and there are many positive reasons to why I’m glad that’s the hand I was dealt. Some of the greatest men in the world have been only child’s.
The beauty of TRP is that I discovered it on my own and has been the gateway to my becoming the strongest version of myself as Elliot Hulse says. I can become that man guys envy and want to be like, and the man every woman hot or not wants to fuck and be very fortunate to get my keen.
I’m happy that it’s this way. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Struggle is my fortune. I see the world with the veil of deceit removed. My eyes see clearly now. And with the Manosphere, with father figures in this community, there is no question or doubt to the fact that I will become a MAN in the sense of the word that we describe here on I.M.
There has been a lot of anger, confusion, sadness, disgust and down right sickness from taking TRP. In my knowing it has been the most beautiful thing I could have ever done for myself in this world of lies.
Keep going. Push harder. Let go.
Great article man this almost reduced me to tears, mainly because it resonates with me in a very profound level, it is almost unbelievable that you have told my life story in this article, my father was a punk who was man enough to take responsibility so he left home.
Its been a struggle for me ever since my early teens I started to notice that I was different, reserved found it difficult to communicate with the opposite sex. I only recently found out about self development im in my early twenties now and I am still battling still going strong, many of my freinds took the dark triad route, and looking back I regret not taking that route also as I think it would have helped but it dnt mattr I am much much more objective now and see the world what it is, I always say that mental struggle is the worst kind In my opinion but now I just seek power and nothing else because I know now that with power every thing follows include money and sex so, I am not gonna rest.
Firstly, I’d like to thank you for offering consistent golden advice and for constructing this sad, but immensely realistic, article.
I can relate to it rather too unhappily. My mother has always been a fiery, domineering figure who completely whip-lashed my Dad until it resulted in inevitable divorce (though I was 7 years old at the time). Subsequently, I was shipped to full time boarding school (I’m from London) from the ages of 8 until 18 by my folks. At around the same time, my Mum remarried and I had, at least in the technical sense, two fathers in my life. Both were (and remain) classic blue pill, unenlightened, beta male figures who never offered me masculine guidance. All they did was either complain bitterly about my mother’s behaviour (Dad), or defend it religiously (Step-dad). As my boarding schools were single sex, this left me between a rock and a hard place. I had no no female figures my age in my life until I was a man, and I had no masculine role models at any point ever. My older brother is a classic, bitter beta male who would spit on the red pill if he discovered it, and my uncle is an irresponsible drunkard.
When I finally went to University, and encountered women socially for the first time, the inevitable happened. I crashed and burned with girl after girl, woman after woman. I had no emotional control, no skill, no support, no game, no advice. People underestimate the crippling, self-saboteuring narrative this kind of constant failure can create. Being aristocratic and naturally good looking, I have managed to sleep with lots of women but it actually worsens the problem: whilst I used to see these lays as testament to my skill, they were only testament to the inferior market value of those women and not much else. I was fucked because I was a valuable piece of meat. Now, in my late twenties, it hurts so much to think how I’ve wasted my younger adulthood. This article really hurt. I feel angry. Angry that there was never a true masculine figure in my life who grabbed my arm and said “what the fuck are you doing? No. Shit doesn’t work that way. Women don’t respond to that. You need to learn a few things, son. Allow me.”
That presence was never there. And I doubt I’m alone.
My discovery of the Red Pill has been a huge relief and support. It has genuinely given me a new lease of life, though the pain of my past transgressions with the opposite sex feels that much sharper. There is much work to do. I would appreciate any advice the wonderful authors at Illimitable men could offer. I’m all ears.
Patience and intelligence are your real best friends right now. You could invest 5 years in Monk Mode right now to make up for your loss and build your life as you want to make it. Give it a go and let us know…
I appreciate the replies, both of you.
Glad to hear I’m not alone. Five years of monk mode doesnt sound that bad- in fact, it sounds quite exciting. Im encouraged by my potential. I just hope, in the midst of this hard work, no negative narratives surface. I am fed up of being my own worst enemy.
Is there any way I can get more involved in these forums?
You’re not alone, and I have triumphed over this problem myself.
The key for me is discovering my inherent value. Now when a woman talks to me, she knows the value I have because it’s all I project. Your past scars are all a result of emotion. To a certain extent emotion needs to take a back seat in order for a man to achieve one of its most prized virtues – clarity.
Women are what they are. We can despise them or celebrate them, they’ll still do them. Red pill is chiefly about accepting reality as it is and using it to enhance your life.
The question becomes – what do you want from women?
Thank you for writing this. This totally hit home for me. Reading the article and the comments makes me, for the first time in my life, feel like I’m not alone.
Taking the red pill has forced me to deal with the circumstances of my birth and childhood and my mother’s AF/BB mating. My mother didn’t stay with my father. She always told me that it was because “he couldn’t stop chasing other women and settle down”. I figure she tried to lock him down and he said “no”. Didn’t take long to find a Beta chump who would stick around to be humiliated and emasculated on a daily basis. FWIW, he’s a clown and miserable excuse for a man. So he gets what gets.
I grew up feeling broken and “lost” for sure. Everything I learned about friendship came from the feminine point of view. Wasn’t allowed to play with guns or sports or join Boy Scouts.
You grow up so detached from masculinity that you begin to hate it. That was me…I did whatever I could to identify with the females.
I started learning about the red pill about a year ago but it took me a few months to embrace it and that only came when I was bludgeoned over the head with it and could no longer ignore the obvious truth. I’m on the path to a healthier place – finally.
Thanks to all the men who share their stories. It’s nice to know that I’m not alone.
Reading the comments
Fantastically open and brave comment.
I can relate, and no mistake.
Grew up in a single mother household, no father, emotionally broken and crippled, very few meaningful friendships, no success with women. Don’t want much to do with my mother because of her mental and emotional instability. I was a lost boy alright. There were many others. I feel disconnected. I watch myself and others live life. I feel like I’m not a part of this world simply. I have to walk a path of healing. It’s my path. I genuinely don’t mind being alone. Social gatherings are boring and I want nothing to do with them. I prefer solitude, especially with so many unhappy married men out there.
I’m a lost boy. My heavy-drinking father was sent packing when I was two, and I saw him only intermittently until I was 18. My mother was emotionally unstable, and there was nothing protecting my sister and I from the ravages of her rages and depressions. I grew up shouldering an enormous sense of responsibility for her emotional wellbeing and was subjected to periodic, intense emotional abuse.
As the only male in the home I was forced to learn some masculine activities from an early age (home maintenance etc), and was even quite strong and muscular for my age throughout junior school because I was always doing the heavy lifting work at home. As a result I was never physically bullied in my time at school.
Today I am heading towards 40. I am 6 foot tall and in good shape, reasonably well off financially, a published author, a skilled songwriter, I’ve appeared on prime time television, I’ve done martial arts for most of my life.
But there is, and always has been, something fundamental missing. Even though I have either matched or excelled the accomplishments of my friends in many areas, I don’t feel like a man. I feel like a 30 something boy. In a sense I feel unworthy. This drives me to try hard and to beat it, but almost nothing I have done can take that sense away. My accomplishments mean nothing to me at a fundamental level.
Because I lack self worth, my long term relationships don’t work. I can get sex (mostly with low to mid SMV women), but after a year in a relationship it inevitably breaks down. The first wave of massive shit tests that come at this stage of a relationship steamroll me, simply because I can’t respond appropriately to bad/abusive behaviour, partially because this is all I know from women, and partially because I feel worthy of nothing else.
As a result I have virtually lost my ability to trust a woman.
The problem for a lost boy is this, that you are looking for the love of a father in the arms of a woman, and this can never be. You mention elsewhere on this blog that men love women fully, and I believe that the love a man gives his children is perhaps the truest, stablest love a human being can experience.
A mother by herself may try to love her children as best she is able, but at best she provides the child with only part of the love required for normal emotional development. In reality many women can only love like this intermittently. Their love is clouded and disrupted by their solipsism – if you know any single women, you will know how easily they can neglect, punish or emotionally abandon their children while engaged in affairs with single men.
This is a terrifying thing to realize, that this intense need for love and validation as a man is coming not from the absence of this love from a woman, but from the fact that you never had it from a father.
I have found only one solution to this, although I admit it only worked for me while it was in application. Do masculine activities. Find the most masculine thing you can do, and devote yourself to it with complete intensity. Full contact martial arts work, and the thing that worked best for me was surfing with its combination of athleticism and courage.
Do these things, succeed in these things (and you will succeed if you persevere) and you will begin to automatically provide yourself with the validation that you crave. You will begin to love and value yourself, and I believe this is the only way you can hope to heal yourself
Thanks for your response. Your comments described my early life to a T. Something was missing, and still is to this day. I look at my
peers who were raised with both parents with disdain, I now know the true term issued to a “basterd”. I drank excessively throughout my early twenties but still graduated college and commissioned as a USMC officer. Naturally tall and athletic I abused my body in tough combat training circumstances while also not practicing healthy habits. I was masochistic in a way trying to prove myself as a man, but to who? Well to myself? To? There was no father to validate my path to manhood, my mother was a tyrant.
Lost In The Plantation, thanks for your post. It moved me to be brave and put one in myself. I know exactly how you feel.
I’m in my early 40’s and only recently coming to some sad realizations about myself and relating to people since accidentally stumbling onto some websites. I have never felt like a man, or a woman — but like something in between, and it disgusts me. It is very difficult to communicate the feelings and mindset…..like being stuck at stand-still while trapped in a fog. Knowing something is very wrong with me, but not being able to isolate it. I thought things would take care of themselves with age and time, but that is a delusion.
Thinking of myself as a lost boy seems weird to me….I had an intact family during the most important years growing up – a loving mother and a father that provided for the family. Home wasn’t a battleground, but I now realize that though my father was present, simply being present wasn’t enough. My father was an enigma to me and I just couldn’t connect with him and this I now know affected me very deeply. I don’t know how things went wrong, but they went really wrong, very early in my life.
Very early I decided something was wrong with me. Always I felt out of place, always that people are a mystery to me I can’t make sense of or rely on. In school I was bullied and made fun of. Awkward. No good at sports. So jealous of the other boys that seemed to get along so easily and naturally…I detested them while admiring them at the same time. A big fat ZERO in the relationship department. Tried to cover myself with humor, but that is a thin veneer to the confusion underneath. I had no interest in pursuing girls because I could not and still can’t understand how any of them would want anything to do with me. Yet I’m handsome, so I’m told, but can’t see it.
Because people, the world, my own self, have never made sense to me, over the years I’ve managed to distract myself with drinking, porn, masturbation, work, and other things. But I’m recently getting snapped out of my fog. Its difficult to actually put this in writing, but I’ve only recently realized I’m a homo. How can one go this long being confused over such a status? Well I’ll tell you — a combination of not finding women unattractive (sex is fun, but has been awhile), my belief that being a homo goes against God, a form of revulsion I can’t describe at the thought of messing around with a man, and good old-fashioned denial. I’ve never actually done anything with a man and don’t intend to, but I now realize my much stronger attraction to the same sex is about me being attracted to all the things I desperately yearn for in myself being projected onto them.
People, this is not a fun position to be in and it royally sucks. I feel like I’ve been robbed of a life. For you men with daddy issues that didn’t result in the natural unnatural feelings I have, be thankful. I don’t know how/why the problem manifested itself this way with me and I don’t know how I’ll come out of it, but I refuse to be a douchebag loser about it. The porn and masturbation are gone as of early this year. Drinking is less, but should be cut down some more. I feel like I have a firmer grip on who I am than I ever have before and am going to keep going with improving and being honest with myself.
I’m so thankful for the writing on this site and others like it that put into words things I’ve felt, but not able to put into words myself, and help me relate to manhood and masculinity in logistical terms I can understand that aren’t an enigma. I don’t need anymore enigmas. Thank you, IM.
I grew up with a father, but he was never really ‘there’, not in the way I needed him to be.
I’ve gone through massive change in the past year as I work on addressing problems in my life, but there’s still so much more to do.
I’ve only just found this website. Its content is fascinating and terrifying at the same time. Thanks for writing it; I already feel better off for having read what I’ve read here, and I’ve only just begun.
Question for you.Try to keep this succinct.
Working two jobs. Live in two places–men’s shelter and apt… no car. $45K a year total now.
Started two years ago strong boundaries in shelter jobless fucking a chick driving me around buying everything… baby daddy just had gone to prison for beating her w/ bat while pregnant.
Left her got a construction job and came back to see if red pill is true. Blew out competition. Then I bought everything hotels clothes booze music saving large povert families from eviction and drank my ass off taking her and kid for ride.
Switched to factory became more socialized provider and verbally abusive. Still lower class living. Can’t leave until she completely loses interest and admits it. Goes to LDR cause she loses her apt out of competitive jealousy and alternatively I kick her out or she won’t stay in my new one. Go darker and darker minded I fuck around with two chicks say ahead of time I will. She’s hurt. No apology. Months of shit test texting. I pick up second job quit drinking. Slow fade. She gradually comes back sad I’ve forgotten her. Leaves says I don’t love her revenge fucks drunk on my favorite drink. Pregnant. Asks if I’ll pay for abortion… nope
Baby daddy gets out this February. Says” they’ll get through it” she’s going back to him.
Pretty choppy language, but I thought it best not to emote. It would appear especially from reading your post about revenge fucking in this situation being a result of removal of my commitment and all else considered that I’ve managed to finally indeed become too beta in her eyes (at least from a distance for 8 months which I should not be technically in the first place). Her friends say she’s been saying she’s using me for Money till the baby daddy gets out. They all properly think I’m a chump. Would appear I’ve been replaced in the love triangle. I’m out.
Thank you for reading all this, Illimitable. And for the site. Finally my questions:
Is my take on the general situation correct.
Both I and the daddy are obviously lost boys, but he looks to be going dark triad route and I’m torn between desiring that for fear of going back to the alternative internet surfer loner and wondering if dark triad can even be outdone without violence or prison. Can it? My options are getting younger and hotter, but I’m drifting from having nothing to lose. The conventional roles that await me are sickening. Women actually have the nerve to talk back to me… and expect me to pay for it or do them favors? To apologize?! I’m used to a girl too afraid to disrespect… it’s a crossroads I did not get dark enough in the shelter for sex, but I’m more capable and adult yet vulnerable and unexciting with jobs. What do I do? I’m 30 now.
I’ve always known the baby daddy is the endgame, ‘Cept when I held frame. Am I correct in thinking his willingness to take on another man’s obligation–revenge baby (as I would have been expected to do with his kid when I got her pregnant–fear induced plan b miscarriage) is a losing hand and I’m in a good position?
This all sounds pretty fucked up and lower class crazy. Sweet girl really if you keep her lusting, better than Starbucks normal valley girl chicks. I could definitely have been nicer.
That is so true. My father was exactly what you described. Physically here but non existent functionnally speaking.
My male role model was my uncle and I basically always copied his real man behavior to socialize, to great effect. My father never taught me anything about how to be in life, just let me do all I wanted. A poorly intelligent man he was also extremely feminized, very selfish and behaved almost like a woman, inconsistent, temperamental, stormy. He is always a pain at family reunions. It is a miracle that I managed to become good at socialiazing. I will not tell you how much work on myself this has demanded. A constant process, always assessing myself through theory/trial/error. Years of slogging through the marshlands of social inadequacy.
Even if this post is just a rant piece, it is pleasant to learn that I am part of an epidemic and that I was not responsible for most of my social failures. I was a product of our times.
The whole article hit me hard, but what hits me harder is that it’s phenomenally impossible for me to get me into an environment that will encourage my new found goals in life. The only men in my life at the moment drink, smoke and want me to get into video games and poker because “YOLO” and they try to shame me for being “no fun” or “weird” for favoring reading a book at 9 a.m. instead of browsing 9gag.
But at the same time I’m pretty fucking pissed to the point of giving zero fucks on whether I am “accepted” in their group(s) or not. I’m too busy focusing on pulling myself out of my own prison and crab mentality is too obvious in my eyes after swallowing the red pill.
Thank you for the article.
I was not aware that you too are one of the lost boys at heart. I guess there is something distinctive about us that attracts us to each other. Your writing attracts me and my writing attracts other fatherless men full of rage. In the end, that is all my blog and life is about.
I appreciate that you took the time to write such a compassionate article among all the others. I used to bully weak men, too, and thus myself. To be worthy of a woman’s approval. These days, I am doing what you suggested as typical: Trying to not give a fuck, getting into trouble, rebelling, punching the box sack, overcoming those debilitating fears. If I had not terribly missed honesty and integrity at home, I may be inclined to become Machiavellian.
On top of single motherhood, my ma probably was a pristine Borderline nut, too. Did not make it better. Did not make me better, if only perhaps for the monstrous emotional trauma that I kept unacknowledged for some 26 years of half-existence.
Anyway, it is getting better. I solved the trauma with acid and now I can at least access more of the emotions. Do what I like. Fighting, sparring, writing. Eventually lifting, too, but something is keeping me from it. Already have the membership.
Thanks for this, brother.
Can’t believe I only just found this article. I do need to read more of your blog.
Anyway, I can definitely relate. I have a hard time relating with most other guys (my guess is because lack of hobbies / interests?)
Also, regarding the paragraph on hobbies, isn’t going to the gym more or less “essential”? It’s the one thing that the whole community states.
Thanks for this article
“Also, regarding the paragraph on hobbies, isn’t going to the gym more or less “essential”? It’s the one thing that the whole community states.”
Yep. I only started going a few months ago,because of what I d read, and wish I d started 20 years ago. It isn’t just that as a new natural gym-goer, the muscle gains are quick to show up, its those fast results that really reinforces fledgling self-discipline and breaking old habits. The feeling of well-being after a hard 60 minutes in the gym is fantastic. As someone who never went to a gym before, the ability to lift heavier weights on a weekly basis is great.
It also didnt take long to realise that others were also reacting me to differently.Its an odd feeling when someone is visibly nervous to speak with you. But in general, people seem more pleasant.
Fuck man…This hits home so fucking hard.
My mother was very promiscuous. And while I know she did the best she could and she never took any child support/alimony from my father, I was still fatherless.
Unfortunately at the age of 10 she married a beta bucks..who made my situation and growing up probably worse than single mother. He never liked me, and gives terrible advice. He is the ultimate beta bucks and because he had a strong law enforcement background, mentally abused me, (not saying they correlate, but give the wrong person power and they will misuse it. Because of this I became very socially anxious and very scared to cause any issues in the house, because he would take it out on my mother and she would complain to me, stress, and cry, so I felt very pressured/anxious…
Due didn’t take the dark triad path but the escapism path…While I’ve gotten much better(I found TRP, I read a lot, gym is a must, I do MMA) I still know there is something wrong with me beyond this..Like I am mising something and I still read some manga/watch some anime.
Good news is I am going to be living with my father after all these years for about a year and I am so nervous. He’s super AF and while I am excited to finally get some father guidance, I dont know if its too late now that I am 19..
R –
It is not too late to build a relationship with your father, but it is too late for a good relationship with your father to fix you. That time is long passed. Mourn that and move forward quickly. You own your life now. At this point only you….along with right choices, keeping good company, taking action, good advice and influences; and seeing the positive fruits in yourself and life will make up for your loss, but only to an extent.
It will never eliminate it because you can’t change the past, but you, through your own action, can build yourself into the man you long to see and feel in yourself.
Don’t fall into the trap of hanging your shit on others. Let go of it and move on. You got this!
I am a woman and have just discovered your blog. I appreciate your intelligence and honor the gift of wisdom and power you wish to bestow on all the men (and hopefully more women) who read you. We all need the guidance of men!
Am I a lost boy? I was, possibly when I was younger. But I have definitely suffered because of ignorance about my true birthright as a man.
I’m white, 57 years old. Married to my first wife (Asian) for 30 years with whom we created and raised one boy and two girls. Self employed the whole time. The baby is 19 and off to college, time to redraw the boundaries. I waited this long, hoping to survive because wifey is a castrating bitch who would have no compunction using the kids as pawns, and I couldn’t stand the thought of her using them against me, or raising them without me running active interference against her so very dark and chaotic, unrestrained feminine mind fucks.
In the beginning I had enough energy to counter her bullshit, and the sexual heat was intense. She chose me over a couple other suitors because I told her once “Never tell me what to do”. She needs that and also needs to destroy me, which she very nearly did, twice. My chronic inflammatory condition, aggravated by constant domestic stress nearly sunk me after 7 years of marriage, but I recovered. We moved to a different state, bought a dilapidated house that I spent a year gutting and rebuilding by myself. I did rough and finish carpentry, electrical, plumbing, stone walls and concrete work outside. She cursed the house, cursed me, accused me of incest with my daughters, called me an alcoholic, drug addict, a thief, a sneak, refused to allow a nice photo portrait of my parents on the wall.
I’d had enough, but 20 years into the marriage a slow downward spiral put me in the hospital, dependent on opiates for pain, with multiple major health issues. I’d rather have died than leave my kids with her. My daughters begged me to divorce her. Doctors wrote me off, but I recovered with both knee and elbow total joint replacements, 5 inch loss of stature, on disability. BUT, I kicked the opiates on my own, began hiking again, snow skiing, bought a motorcycle. I did not ask her “permission”, I never asked her permission. Paid for therapy for the girls when the youngest became 18.
After asking her without success to enter marriage counseling for 25 years, the very same day I signed lease on an apartment nearby – because it was impossible to be productive in the chaos she created in our house – we were sitting in a counseling session at her request. Too bad, the man-hater she selected simply enabled her oh-so-pathetic victimhood. When we met with another counselor she suggested, she refused to go back because he “only told you what you wanted to hear, and he was white, and overweight”.
I never had an affair. I pay all the bills on time and always have, except for one year when I was incapacitated. I do the taxes, maintain the house, the tech, the vehicles. Always read the bedtime stories, helped with 18 years of homeworks. Did all the student financial aid work, explained opamp theory to a struggling college student. Practiced with the kids on their instruments, accompanied their recitals, went to their sport games. Wifey did not work outside the home for at least 15 years during childbearing years. She managed food buying and prep, shopping for clothes, organized home school events, and gave lots of mama goodness to the kids until they got old enough to say no. She did a lot, but when I hear my history rewritten into “you did nothing” I know I’m listening to an insane she-devil.
It’s horrifying, yes. But also fantastic that I have been totally involved with three beautiful, amazing children (oldest is in dental school, middle starting dental school next fall, youngest not sure but lots of potential. I did what I wanted to do for the most part in spite of her, enjoyed having control over things, and seeing my family benefit from my efforts. I did what I did; no doubt I will be castigated by some younger men. Possibly by older ones too, but I rather doubt it.
Real life is not for wimps. I don’t care if you’re six feet, 190 lbs, look like Adonis, and pull down six figures. A life is empty if the only person really in it is you. It’s possibly true I could have avoided a lot of pain if the manosphere was available when I was starting out. Better informed, I would have ended the relationship before starting having children. But I did what I could with what I knew and never gave up. The world is better place with my three kids in it.
This moment is all I have, and the game I must play with all the skill and cunning I can muster is to disentangle from my wife with as few wounds as possible. My relationship with the kids is solid, she can’t touch that, though not for lack of trying. Family court is corrupt, but there are starting to be some changes. Many men working in the system that preys on men have also become its victims. I’ve concluded the best strategy for me (actually for everyone) is to have as non-confrontational divorce as possible. I would prefer to give almost everything to her instead of to two warring teams of attorneys. I can rebuild if need be, her outlook is decidedly less optimistic, which gives me no pleasure but life decisions have consequences, even if she doesn’t think she ever made any decisions and blames me for everything.
Life is not simple. I believe my wife was sexually molested as a young girl. She denies it, but my gut tells me it happened; possibly a relative or even her own father, who was a psychopathic asshole. She was not especially promiscuous before I met her and I have no evidence of her having an affair. But she did swallow hook line and sinker all the feminist victimhood bullshit and without any critical facilities whatsoever, accepted it as her world view.
Wish us well.
Great story. Makes sense, your assumption about her molestation. I was raped and I can tell you that it just gets a grip on you subconsciously if you do not resolve it. It basically makes you afraid of everything and everyone. On the other hand, now that I think of it, I always find those screeching hyenas somehow off. To be raped decimates and destroys your ego instead of pushing it up. This is actually one reason why I often think those narcissistic bitches are just full of shit and were never even so much as touched. When you got raped, you do not run around screaming at your rapist. You fucking go out of his way in terror that it may happen again.
Earl,
Well done Sir. My own ex was definitely borderline and thanks to her kind ministrations my children and I are estranged. But in retrospect I was Beta to the core and her own upbringing was an utter shambles. I don’t hate or blame her (what’s the point), and my kids are slowly coming around.
My daughter left the house on her 19th birthday and two years later has at least unblocked me on Facebook. My son still lives with his Mother and we have spoken and visited in the past year, though any progress is quickly pulled back. I’m sure she has made it clear to him that it’s me or her; no rapprochement is possible. She has done everything in her power to inflict maximum emotional pain on me, and the kids are just collateral damage. But they’re both in their early 20’s now,and it’s a marathon not a sprint.
Being 50 myself, I have had the opportunity to share some RealTalk with younger men and they do respond well to my warnings and advice. I would encourage you to share your abundant experience with every younger person you encounter. Nobody transfers wisdom between generations anymore; my own parents, though married 50 years now, were utterly useless in this regard.
The Powers that Be, by purpose or blunder, perpetuate this social disaster upon us. I believe a critical mass of young men are ripe for the solutions we can offer.
My sincere wishes to you for a peaceful road ahead, you’ve certainly earned it.
JP
Your three words, “Well done Sir” brought immediate tears, the best three words I’ve heard in a long time. Your capitalizing of Sir was like a medal of honor, which I am proud to accept.
This article touched me on a very deep level. I am crying as I type this.
I am 33 years old, and grew up without a father or a stable father figure. Whenever I’ve asked about my father, my mother would immediately become defensive; it was like pulling teeth just to get her to give me his name. She rarely spoke of him, and growing up it felt normal to not have a father. Thankfully the few times she did talk about him it wasn’t in a negative light. Now I just don’t even bother raising the subject with her…that would require actually talking to her.
You see, what the author describes is very accurate: I never had a male figure to bond with, and I’ve never bonded with my mother. In fact, I hold a deep, deep resentment toward her, which I know she doesn’t understand. I don’t contact her; not for holidays, not for birthdays, and she doesn’t contact me either. I never go back home.
While I’m glad to have found resources such as “No More Mr. Nice Guy”, which eventually led me to The Red Pill, it is still a struggle for me, much the way this author refers to. I have difficulty maintaining discipline, I have difficulty bonding with other men and maintaining strong relationships with them, I experience social anxiety (in fact, the author, again, is very insightful, because I DO feel lonely a lot of the time, and yet I am afraid of socializing), and I lack confidence and assertiveness. Right now I feel ashamed because I feel as though I don’t even know how to take care of myself. In fact, since discovering TRP, these weaknesses have been amplified and have become even more crippling, in some ways, as they’ve been put under the microscope after absorbing TRP materials.
Contrast this with my brother, who is nine years younger.
He has a different father (another reason why, as an adult, and especially after TRP, I have little respect for my mother). And yet he had myself and a step-father to look up to, and he is MILES ahead of me in terms of his sense of focus, direction, and strength of character. He has a really good head on his shoulders, and very sure of himself. At times I am envious of him, but I love him so I can’t be upset–I simply recognize that he grew up in a much more supportive and stable environment than I did.
As for me now, I used to think it was hopeless, but there are bright spots. I’ve been lifting for 6 years now, and it’s done me well (and has really helped keeping depression at bay–I can be very vulnerable to it). I’ve discovered a lot of good self-help material, in addition to TRP. I’ve shifted my mindset from hopelessness to that of “I just have to work harder at what other men have grown up with”. It isn’t easy, and I’m putting a lot of pressure on myself, which may not be healthy, but I think for now it is necessary.
Also, some good news–I’ve recently reconnected with my mother’s brother, who is a dynamic, brilliant, and fun guy. I feel as though it may be unfair for him but I hope to lean on him more and more, because it feels good, inside, just to connect with a blood relative that is male and who knows me. I plan on calling on him often, and eventually opening up to him and talking with him about the many struggles I deal with. My sense is that he’d be happy to fill this void in my life.
At least for me, all is not lost.
Hi IM,
you’ll probably never read this/answer to this, but I have decided to post anyway.
I don’t want to disclose my life story here, as I see no benefit in doing so. However, since your description fits my personal story quite well, it is probably not necessary either way.
Anyhow, I am more concerned with how I turned out to be, rather than what drove me to be the way that I am today. I’ve done numerous personality tests and they all point out to what I can confirm from my life experience: Though not necessarily afflicted by the personality disorder, I share many traits with what mental health professionals call “Anti-social personality disorder”.
So according to your article, I did indeed choose the “dark triad” path, however, I did not get to enjoy the benefits from psychopathy, it’s more like I developed what some people call “psychopathy with added emotions”.
I have a long history of substance abuse and I am very pessimistic about my professional life. I am also fearing for my future as I have poor impulse control and I’m lucky to not have gotten sued for assault so far, let alone taken into custody.
I still have – albeit vestigial – a sense of guilt, conscience, shame, remorse and empathy. But I’m not sure if this is enough to keep me in check in the long run.
What would you do? It’s clear I cannot reverse what I’ve become, nor do I wish to do so. I take pride in not being dependant on other people’s validation, although I recognize my need for socialization from time to time. Should I tap into that “half-assed” psychopathic well? And if so, how?
To be honest I don’t really care about other people at all. If I were to get more involved with other people, I would only do so in order to secure a narcissistic supply chain and in order to satisfy that socialization urge that seems to be an inherent human condition. I’m more worried about endangering myself through impulsivity and landing behind prison bars or screwing up my career, than establishing “meaningful relationships”. I can see the usefulness of doing so though, being connected naturally has countless benefits. So from that POV I’d certainly be interested in acquiring more of that superficial charm that seems to come so naturally to born psychopaths.
Notably one of my closest friendships was with a malignant narcissist, one of the most interesting and fun people to be around while I was still on his good side, but he inevitably ended up screwing me over and I did not take that too well.
Meh, if this illicits no response, whatever. It’s just a random rant from a random dude.
Jugglah
You posted here, so there’s that. There’s some shit going on in your life, but deep down in the center of it all is the you that sees it for what it is. That little whisper can be nurtured, it’s the real you.
Drive out to the middle of Nebraska, or get up high in the mountains, or out to sea away from the shore. Get as close to IT as you can and ask for healing. Don’t just ask, demand it, grab ahold and don’t let go.
Random? I don’t think so
I would just like to say something: I am a 22 year old male from South-Africa, and I discovered Red Pill Philosophy shortly after turning 21. I have never fully embraced it, but it has given me a LOT of insight into my own inner workings. I just wanted to say that as I was reading Point number 5, a kind of numbness came over me. EVERYTHING you have explained there is the damn truth, for that is me in so many aspects until this very day.The timid one not taking the Dark Triad route. . .Red Pill Philosophy has done so much for me, and I just wanted to say thank you for pointing that out. I had this idea in my head that no one understood fully, but you were 100% spot on. This is liberating, pointless perhaps posting this comment. . .But nontheless. . .Thank you.
You’re welcome, it’s a true pleasure.
Most boys and men are isolated so they don’t think anybody else understands the shit they’re going through and that perhaps they’re going crazy. But they’re not, another guy some place somewhere is experiencing exactly what they are, just in his own personal hell – also believing nobody understands and that he’s alone with his predicament.
Blogs like this aim to demonstrate the universality of man’s varying struggles, and comments like yours prove it’s worth discussing these things if only to assure men they’re not going crazy.
Hi IllimitableMan,
Thanks for your post… I’ve started to read your posts since yesterday… for this post I couldn’t resist… I was in a relationship with a lost boy… he has a weak father figure, all he remembers from the childhood is sadness and fight… at least that’s what he says… I don’t know how much of what he said is truth and how much was to get the empathy… he has the coping mechanism in number 7… he would do anything to get to the top without considering what will happen to other people… cunning… I guess he has turned into one of dark triads at some point… not sure which one though, machiavellianism or narcissism or whatever… that’s not important anymore… it is just sad… some lost boys will hurt other people and then we realise how difficult it is to be a parent… too much responsibility…
Your story sounds strangely familiar. My father left when I was 3 months old. I tracked him down abroad when I was 20, but I never met him. He’s dead now.
Three years later, my stepfather entered the picture. Unfortunately, he died a few months later due to complications after surgery. My mother became depressed and my first memories are about her telling to kill herself. I lived the rest of my youth as an only child of an emotionally unbalanced single mother who clung on to me. I have two family members left and they hate each other.
I’m 40+ now and I lead a rather solitary life. I have a steady job and the necessary social skills to handle daily life, but I couldn’t really be bothered. I just don’t care about it all. There are some great men among my friends and colleagues. Real men with families and an actual career. I admire them. They have one thing in common. They had dads. Some decent ones and some great ones. I’ve never met a fatherless man I admired, including me.
I just want to thank you for this post and everything else you have written. I’m 16 years old, and I’m extremely glad I found your site before I wasted any more time as a prisoner of my comfort zone, as you would put it. Fears of failure define my actions, and I’ll be damned if I let myself sit and waste my life away for no better reason than the fact that I was too much of a pussy to even TRY.
This article really hits home for me. My father, though he does demonstrate some alpha traits just by virtue of his age, is by and large a weak-willed, directionless man who has failed to live up to his potential (ie, a lost boy himself).
Like you, I was born with an analytical mind. Simply from looking at other kids who had the things I lacked (self-confidence, drive, achievement), then looking at their family situation, it became painfully obvious the difference between their upbringing and mine. A couple years ago, as a 14 year-old, I even remember remarking to my parents that I wished I had grown up with more discipline. Discovering the whole truth, I must admit, is jarring.
I’ve never been one to play victim, but if I allow myself one exception, it’s now. To think where I could be now, what I could have achieved already, if I just had the proper guidance…. It’s infuriating. I feel like I’ve been conned. All the successes I’ve had are dwarfed by what would have been possible if I had willpower, strength, direction, confidence, etc.
Well, fuck it. There’s really no reason for me to despair considering how young I still am. I plan on going full monk mode immediately. I will do my absolute best, I will strive towards improvement with every fiber of my being, and eventually, I will be able to actualize my dreams and begin living the life that I know I am capable of. I don’t know how long it will take, but I will make it happen. There is no other option.
What you have so eloquently expressed throughout your website has awoken me from my half-delusional slumber. It is at once intimidating and inspiring to realize the path that lies ahead. Words cannot express my gratitude for the wisdom you have imparted on me. Without it, I’m not sure if I would ever make sense of my life. I will find you in twenty years when I am an adult, and will thank you for the gift you have given me, a gift so singular and powerful I will never be able to pay it back—the gift of time, the gift of direction.
It’s great you’ve found this this information young, because you’re in a good position to change the entire path your life takes. It won’t be easy, being a man never is, but now the cards are better stacked in your favour and you stand more of a fighting chance.
I’m humbled my writings could make such a profoundly positive impact on someone, take care and all the best.
This article gave me chills. Just wow, I felt like you where talking about me. Almost everything you said, I can relate to in one form or another. I just recently started down this path and I’m so glad I found your website!
IM I have a strong father and strong brothers they don’t read any red pill but they are naturals I read red pill and being more aware of these things is gonna make me even stronger
I’m currently in high school and I have a friend he’s weak he’s in love with a girl who barely rewards him and doesn’t pay him much mind he has no discipline what so ever and escaped through a world of partying and drugs he is more like the lost boy who resorts to violence as opposed to gaming and although I share these traits (drug usage and partying) with him I’m much more in control of things and merely experimenting where as he is tied to them
He’s a good friend of mine and radiates false masculinity, because I live in Africa even though he has no masculinity acting as such is not an option so essentially he’s a lost boy and has no father figure
I want to help him but when my views deviate from his he gets angry and threatening e.g me and my friend told him the girl he loved was not special at all and he physically threatened me and my friend, we could handle him if the problem arose but the fact that a good friend of mine went so far as to say that when the subject was a girl who didn’t like him was sad and I felt dissapointed in him
I want to help him but I can’t I assume it’s because he can’t see my advice as good because we are peers
How do you think I can help him should I show him this site
Also I have another friend who lives with no father figure but is the most red pill guy I know my age so there must be exceptions to the story
Finally I wanted to ask you if you thought there was a way back for the western world(socially) or do you think it’s doomed
Forgot to say I’m in an international school and western values are appreciated IE this lost boy is getting all his knowledge from his single mom and a school where feminism is appreciated could be a reason African tribalism hasn’t instilled red pill nature in him regardless of a father figure
Lost boy here too. Hard to imagine how much damage a passive, quiet father coupled with an angry mother can do. As I read this I recalled that, at one stage, I wanted to take my Uncle on my mothers’ side with me to Africa, “to be my father”, as I told him. Now I know why. I was so angry that I lashed out at him for not coming with me. I never saw him again.
And yes, mom used me as her emotional tampon. I can remember feeling so grown up listening to her vent, being her “rock”. And at the same time so angry. I was 7, ffs. Much later, when confronted about the damage she did, she told me “I had no one else”. No apology, nothing. Solipsism at its’ best. I never understood why, until I read your blog. Thank you.
After trying to study law and failing, I went into the Army, trying to build a career for myself. Ended up with PTSD and developed paranoid schizophrenia. Was dismissed from the Army and have not worked since. No pension, no medical.
I have few friends, and my relations with girls are problematic, to say the least. I tell them up front “no marriage, no children”. (Schizophrenia is 80% heritable, so I have good reason) After that it is usually no more than 4 dates.
I stumbled across the Red Pill through the Videos of Karen Straughan, and this is the first red pill blog I came across after that.
While I am 57, and close to my sunset years, I hope to turn my life around. Better late than never.
Thank you for the insight you show in this article especially, you are spot on.
Hi,
Could somehow relate but from the other side of the spectrum with present dominant abusive alcholic father and submissive powerless mother – also very bad situation and end consequence is similar in many cases and requires massive amounts of energy to overcome and to keep clarity/stay sane/ keeping focus, trying to break pattern.
While this situation in my case molded me into successful strong man to the eyes of the outside world emotional aspects of article from other spectrum still apply and are forcing me to deal with them.
But escapism, sure i have phd in escapasm but at least i understand now better why. Great resourse of knowledge, thank you.
Spot on ..amazing ..incredible..Fantastic.. I simply lack words to explain my gratitude for the answers that I innately seeked in vain..like it described me, my personal hell in social matters,indifference, indecisiveness,fear, loneliness, rejection, Gameless all that shit .I could attribute that such parenthood (single parenthood) sucks from experience and no one gives a fuck. It really pains to feel that maybe you are a mistake, outcast, abnormal..’these boys feel they have a problem but they don’t know what to do cos no one gives a fuck’ really TRUE. It’s amazing that I know their is someone out there understands how I feel and that I am not alone ,even though ma dad dump and abandoned us I am willing to work my way out fill my time table , workout, business, small talk etc.I really thanked my friend for not leaving me out and handing me this GIFT, which is worth so much, my LIFE… THE RED PILL.GOD BLESS YOU.Could please you explain the phrase at start..’but that a merely deleterious handicap conferred to the boy..’and Oh Fuck Feminism, Fuck society Men.
If anyone reading has been brought up my their mum or with a weak father go out and get a job at a small business with a male owner/boss you interact with and take direction from daily. Do this even if the skill level required and pay level is below your qualifications. Having a male boss in your life will act as a strong role model and will rub off on you.
Phenomenal post. Thank you. Editorial thought.. Do you not “raise” crops, and rear children?
Thankyou for writing this article illimitablemen. It’s like you have described the deep logical explanation of my livelihood I have been longing for, for over half of my life.
A summary on who I am.
From rotherham, England.
Poor family and bad influences
From single mother household with 4 kids.
Father left at 5 years old because his dad died.
Mother is a psycho suffering from childhood abuse issues. (Mining family).
Ran away at 11 years old to live with dad.
Pretty much abandoned by my dad for his girlfriends, left to watch porn and play games all day to escape depression and life.
Passes GCSE’s somehow (gifted kid)
Discovered weight training at 17.
Discovered steroids at 18.
Did 2 it apprenticeship.
Warehousing job for a year.
Engineering apprenticeship.
Have a son almost 10 months old.
Ltr of 2y3m with woman of 27 (I’m 22).
Sticking to a career on railway (just started) after floating around jobs for months on end.
Following self improvement…reading Meditations, 48 laws of power, mastery, ego is the enemy, your money or your life, the intelligent investor, think and grow rich, gorilla mindset, the obstacle is the way etc…
Started boxing and making friends.
Reclaiming masculinity that I should have.
Thankyou for what you’re doing. Keep it up. I’ll get there and many others with as well.
Its been a ride but its not over yet.
I would written a more in depth explanation for you but writing in depth on a smartphone sucks.
Sounds like your parents have put you through a lot man. Best of luck on your journey in becoming the man you want to be. I’ll keep doing what I do here!
This website is pure gold…Thank you a lot for your work, for helping the unwanted
This is pure altruism from your side…
Thank you for reading.
My most memorable memory and a warning to how a single mother can cause a huge amount of confusion to a 10 year old boy was this: I was in 4th grade (~10 years old in our school system) and I burped during class and constantly looked at my watch to when the lesson would end. The teached punished me with this by giving me to write 2 essays: “Why do I burp during class” and “Why do I look at the watch constantly during class”.
So I didn’t wrote the essays, my mom found that out when they had the regular parents meeting at school and she just said ok, write them, completely normal so far. So I write them, take them to school and I forget to turn the essays in (nothing malicous from my end, just forgot it).
So I come back home, start playing computer games and my mom asked me “Did you give the essays to the teacher”? I lied and said “Yes”, she then started to go through my school bag and found the essays were still in there. She asked me “why I said I gave them to teacher”, I replied “I’ll do it tomorrow, because you would be annoying”.
At that momement she started crying real hard, it was a mix of extreme anger and crying, I have never seen any adult so upset. Even whe she broke of with some boyfriends she had later she was never so upset. She said she is disspointed etc… Banned me from computer for 1 month (she later reduced it to 14 days If I remember correctly, she definitely reduced it).I remember that
I felt very bad, I never felt so bad in my life. I was also very confused, I mean ok, tell me to stop playing computer games for today because I lied, but have a extreme crying breakdown because a 10 year old kid forgot to give essays to teacher and then lied about it (and giving them to teacher the next day)?
If I imagine myself in a father’s role (I have no kids, I’m 25), I would probably just chuckle and tell hit to go do the dishes because he lied or something.
(note that I was a very calm and good child, was bullied a lot, no friends in primary school, very good grades, good in math, I’m a programmer now and co-owner).
My father’s father died when he was around ~3 years old, so he never knowed him.
So I guess I’m a product of 2 generations of fatherlessness. My father and his brother are actually very outgoing and chatty men, but they never seem to have any success with women at all.
My father moved back to his mother’s house (he, his brother and their mother lived together) when him and my mom broke apart.
My father lived his entire life (apart from when he was with my mom) at his mother’s house. Sometimes he would just randomly snap at his mother, it was annoying because I could never predicted his emotional state: he seemed ok but than his mother would said something he didn’t like or made a loud noise when doing dishes and he would randomly snap at her, he is like a woman in this regard, completely emotional. It’s like he has some extreme hate inside him for living with his mother and/or not doing something else. When him and my mother broke up he said to here that he felt claustrophobic in the flat we lived in (he lives in a 2 story house now).
My father actualy sleeps in the same bed with his mother (he is ~60, she is ~90). His brother slept in a different room. His brother was a lot calmer and rational, so when my father got pissed of he would be the one raising his voice sometimes to stop it.
My father is very smart though, he studied physics and is also a talented artist(he painted a mural at his hometown), yet for most of his adult life he had no job, he lives of the money of his mother’s pension and some that he makes when he teaches students/high schoolers (they possible get social support, I never asked). It’s very hard to talk to him, because he constantly interrupts me and other people when we speak, which gives the impression that he doesn’t really care about what other people say. He, on the other hand, speaks a lot, he could speak and speak for an entire day (kinda like a woman).
He has an insane amount of potential, I constantly think that if they had internet and the red pill 40 years ago that he could have saved himself.
So as a kid living with my mom I had no one who was interested in anything I did: I player with legos a lot and then computer games, but my mom never ever came to me and played with me, sure she commented on the lego stuff I did, but she never sat down and actualy spent any time with me playing.
She was always extremely worried about my grades, our grading system at the time was from 1 to 5 (1 worst and fail, 2 is pass, 5 is best). If I got a 3 I was scolded, she got angry because I did not study a lot. In a way I understand her, she just wanted me to have very good grades for my future college and high school. But seriously, an average of 4 would be good enough, so a 3 every once in a while would not hurt me at all since my average was always between 4 and 5. She relented a bit when I was at the end of primary school, I had the German language class, I was allowed to get 3 there… I remember dreading whenever I got a 3 and walking home and waiting for her to come home and telling her.
Remember when they say that a randomized reaction to the same thing a child does multiple times is a bad thing? Well, sometimes she would get angry for a bad grade, sometimes not. Completely unpredictable, it made me worry a lot, a true sense of dread.
I have no role models in my family, also never connected with any of them, luckily the red pill blogosphere saved me.
I have been going to the gym for 8 years, I’m ripped and big, but I got close to 0 confidence boost because of it, thinking of taking on boxing.
Have been doing approach anxiety exercises inspired by good looking loser, so I’m slowly getting there, soon I will be able to cold approach, that is my main desire now (I’m good on the money side).
(Pro tip: buy yourself gymnastic rings and do gymnastics strengh training, you will reach greek god upper body asthetics even if you don’t have a strict dieting regiment, your will have the most awesome shoulders muscles you could hope for, your arms look a lot better since the shoulders will be at least as big as your biceps/triceps, so it looks in proportion. I recommend “building the gymnastic body” book. Also if a person says “try the iron cross” without asking you if you trained for at least 2 years on the rings beforehand, you should stop listening to his advice, the advanved elements need a lot of groundwork and you can hurt yourself, especially if you are tall, heavy and have long arms (it’s always funny to me how people seem to refuse the fact that arm/leg length plays a huge role in difficulty increase, the lever effect is thought in primary school physics class…)).
Always wanted to get this off my chest 🙂
Thank your for you work Illimitable Man!
This is such a great article. I thank you for it!
Yep, this describes me quite accurately. My parents got divorced when I was 2, and I was primarily raised by my (parental) grandmother. In some reason, I have always been a very strange, infantile boy having a very strange company, if at all, and doing very strange sorts of things.
And at 13, I discovered Russian imageboards. All sorts of socially rejected and simply mentally ill people lived there. For four years, they literally were my life. I’ve almost gone crazy.
Now yes — I lack any life skills, including self-discipline, leave alone how to attract women. Moreover, I have no friends. And instead of trying to start fixing that, I’ve been doing some crazy shit which only made things worse.
Luckily I found the red pill and this article in particular. Thank you very much.
So true… it is so sad no one talks about it… feminism’s agenda was total imbalance… and now everything is fucked up and women ask where real men are? It takes years for such things to happen and many more to be restored if it is possible as the circle is not broken…
Well…I guess i’m a lost boy.
I was raised by and still live with a highly emotionally mother to whom I now feel only disgust. It is almost funny to be in the situation where you are terrified to get a job or go to school because you feel like a rat-like coward while simultaneously doing the things that make you feel like a rat-like coward.
My only chance in hell is to somehow get financial freedom and move the fuck out. I’m at the point where anything is better than this bullshit.
I hate that I hate my mother but motherfucker I fucking hate her.
Yup, I’m lost alright. I grew up with an emotionally and mentally abusive/manipulative mother who only had me to make my dad stay (he didn’t).
I feel like a eunuch, castrated emotionally mentally and spiritually, I love nobody, at least not for too long, and I’m always in a state of deep confusion about so many things; isolation is the only thing keeping me sane.
I blame my mother for my anti social demeanour and my lack of romantic attraction to other human beings, and I think my greatest fear is I won’t be able to fix myself properly to avoid becoming as wicked as her or another male suicide statistic.
Excellent article, feels like reading about my life.
I think the most important thing is to not blame your father (and mother, who in the absence of a man will be all sorts of messed up) and brand yourself as a victim. Instead, rise above the bullshit and start improving yourself. It’s NEVER too late to become a man.
hello IM
please write a series about masculinity and how man should interact
especially for lost boys
Intellectual work that saves lives. Nobody cares about losers because it is hard to do so. Illimitable Men will not be recognized as positive force by mainstream society but the more I think about the more I understand that you need to be a real hero to do this. You have to take care about losers. It is really hard to do such thing. And here it is, a person trying his best to help losers stop being losers without taking advantage or without resentment.
This is my praise to you, IM!
I just found this article. Brilliant insight. Thank you.